Beaver Island Michigan

Hello all,
Sticking with the lighter side of life, I thought I would start a topic of thought-provoking, humorous quotes. Maybe you'll get a smile from them. Here's a couple to get things started.
Enjoy the quotes.
Ted

Quote:
"Some people see the glass as half empty. Some see it as half full. I see the glass as too big. Just get a smaller glass." -George Carlin

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" -Steven Wright

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -Bob Hope

"I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch." -George Burns

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." -Rodney Dangerfield

1. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
2. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.
3. You can identify an Ohio accent.
4. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
5. The Big Mac is something that you drive across.
6. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
7. You bake with soda and drink pop.
8. You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.
9. Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.
10. You design your Halloween costume to fit over your snow suit.
11. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
12. The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.
13. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
14. You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.
15. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.
16. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.
17. You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
18. Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon, or Escanaba to Marquette.
19. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh?
20. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your hand.
21. You know which leaves make good tissue paper.
22. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
23. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
24. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
25. Your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
26. You learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels came off your bike.
27. You don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
28. Snow tires come standard on all your cars.
29. The trees in your back yard have spigots.
30. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Is there a Beaver Island version of this?

Yes indeed there is -- you're in luck

Here is the Beaver Island Version courtesy of Phyllis' Beaver Island Tour Site:
http://www.beaverislandtour.com/are_you_an_islander.htm

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?" -George Carlin

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it." -Rodney Dangerfield

Thanks Jeff.. [/img]

More quotes:

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." -George Carlin

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." -George Carlin

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
-Steven Wright

"I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!" -Steven Wright

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes." -Steven Wright

"A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home." -Rodney Dangerfield.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
George Carlin

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
George Carlin

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? -George Carlin

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. -Bob Hope

I have a switch in my apartment... it doesn't do anything.... Every once in a while, I turn it on and off.... One day I got a call... it was from a woman in France.... She said "Cut it out".... -Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?' -Steven Wright

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong? -George Carlin

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Bradley's Bromide

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld magazine

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
Robert Wilensky, speech at a 1996 conference

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Peter Ustinov (1921 - )

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
George Carlin (1937 - )

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? -George Carlin

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. -Steven Wright

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? -George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time he's probably selling something that doesn't work. -George Carlin

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? -George Carlin

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Steven Wright